The Adventures of don Colonoscopy
Well, I did it. I gave myself a belated 50th birthday present by getting a colonoscopy screening. Personally, I think that everyone should, if not for themselves, but for their families. Colon cancer is a type of cancer that can be treated very effectively and has a very high cure rate. I didn’t get it for the reasons that you’ll read below, but rather for proactive health reasons. Granted, it’s 8 months after my birthday, but this isn’t something a person wants to rush in to. But, on the other hand this isn’t something a person wants to avoid either, especially when colon cancer runs in the family. Fortunately, having gone through the entire process, the only thing worse than the taste of the laxative that they have you to drink is the anxiety of the whole ordeal.

Sunday I started the process by having to drink 12 oz of water every hour upon wakening until I had to take the laxative concoction. I’ve heard tales about the dreaded laxative, and none of them were good. It didn’t help when I went to get the laxative from the drug store and I asked the pharmacist a rather delicate question. I asked her if it really tasted as bad as people made it out to be. She just smiled real big and replied, “worse.” Great, that really instills a lot confidence.

I tanked up on water to the point I thought I was going to float away. Three o’clock came and I mixed up the dreaded potion, held my nose and jug-a-lug, down the hatch. Baaaaaaaaad, very baaaaaaad.

The good news was that I could drink just about every clear liquid I wanted after I had taken the laxative. Water, juice, clear soup, beer. Hmmm.

The bad news is that I tried just about every drinkable liquid in the house and I still couldn’t get rid of the taste. What made it worse was the attempt that the company makes to suppress the taste of whatever they put in the laxative. Lemon and ginger. To me, not a good combination. Why not something like chocolate mint or raspberry cream? No, it has to be lemon and ginger. With options like that getting this test done is going to be a pretty hard sell. But with choices like that I’m probably going to be buying a lot more bran cereal so as not to have to have this test again.

After two hours with no sense of, well, not a way to measure the effectiveness of this truly vile drink I was getting worried. Well, not really worried, maybe just wondering how long that it would take to take effect. When it did start working I was wondering something different, how long it would take to stop being so effective? I guess you really do have to be careful what you hope for.

Just when you think that things can’t get worse, they get worse. The directions call for a second helping of this wretched potion three hours prior to the anticipated voluntary physical abuse. So, 5:00 a.m. comes and I get up and chug down another dose, except this time I’m not supposed drink anything after taking this second dose. No, nothing to wash this despicable taste out of my mouth until after the procedure is over. So, I couldn’t wait to get down to the hospital and get this dreaded procedure over with.

A lot of good that did. When I got there I found out that there were already 12 people (seriously) ahead of me doing the very same thing. My first thought was that, I wonder how many nurses call in sick on Mondays when these procedures are scheduled. What a way to start the week! Of course, it could be one of those ‘pecking order’ entry-level jobs at the hospital. You know, you have to work on the colonoscopy procedure team before you get that job in housekeeping. Now I understand why they have to run so many commercials on TV for nurses.

Soon, too soon, it was my turn to be violated. What I really found odd about the entire process was that from the time I walked into the hospital until I asked for my clothes I must have been asked for my birth date about 10 times, sometimes when the people were holding my forms in front of them. Being the curious person that I am, I asked about that. Some kind of security thing. Yeh, right. Like someone is really going to try to pass themself off as someone else just so they can get a colonoscopy? Why does everyone need to know my birth date? One side of me is saying, maybe they really don’t believe that I’m 50 years old. They probably think I’m only 40. Anyway, enough dreaming.

The last thing I remember was that the nurse asking me if I had any more questions… right after she asked me my birth date (I wonder what would have happened if I would have told her my birth date and been a day off). It somewhat sounded like she was asking me if I had any sins I wanted to confess. I told them to feel free to be generous with the anesthesia and then proceeded to tell them a short story about when the dentist used laughing gas to put me out for a root canal. He had told me to count from 100 to 1 and so I explained to them about how far I had got. "100, 99, 98,…."

“Sir, here are your pants, as soon as you’re dressed, your ride is here. The doctor will call you in a few days with the results.”

I have to believe something happened, but actually, I really don’t want to know.

The good news is I didn’t hear the doctor say, “Sir, would you please open your mouth, I think I may have gone too far.” The only thing worse would be to hear a second hand story of an all-too familiar story of my experience at the checkout counter at the store.